- November 23rd, 2013
As I lay here trying to rest off a could be hang over (damn my friend who fed me a shot I didn't realize it was patron.. Damn tequila gets me and sneaks into my brain like you wouldn't believe.)
I'm realizing just how many things I have running rapant through my mine. Of course I am Thinking about my kids. I miss them so much, when you have to make a choice that where you are is not where they need to be, because you Fucked up and didn't listen to your intuition, you gave people who deserve death a chance. Why am I such an idiot? Why did I allow this to happen? People tell me not to blame myself, but every day I wake up, and they are not with me that pain, that complete realization that I should have listened to what was unseen, that unease I felt as my daughter went on that sleepover, how first year equinox was the only song I could play.. Over and over. Why didn't I listen to what I felt? Until it was to late, the damage that filthy disgusting animal did was there, he molested my daughter. I am proud, so extremely proud of her for so strongly allowing me to know what had happened and telling me. I could feel something was wrong, and she could feel i would protect her. The man is now in prison, and will never hurt another person another child, ever again. And then, there is the other person, she said she was wiccan, but really i feel she was pure evil, and she was my roommate. I know she had done something to hide/Glamour what was happening while she was watching my boys, and her son. While i was working. I finally got the wide open truth after taking my kids to the mountains, and asking of the universe to help me figure out What was going on, you see i kept feeling an unease, my clearly black dreams had become vivid dreams of death and destruction of my kids. As much as every time i would try to protect them Ann evil being would come in and slay them. I constantly felt evil beings were around me, and it didn't matter how much shielding I did, at one point, this evil bitch tried to tell me I was a developing empath, and couldn't handle it, i should be bound, she could try but never succeed, something within me would never let her take me, that say, in the mountains, i heard answers that changed my life.. Forever. How could she have done this? She tried forcing my sons to play with her son in sick and Twisted ways. She wouldnt participate so that she stayed innocent in her eyes, but she told them what to do. She had her son, molest my boys, her son was 2, and my boy 3, and 5. She let her son chase them with kitchen knives and say things like I'm going to kill you, she would tell my sons to run out into the road when cars were driving by. She created so much damage to their young minds. Once i found out everything, i kicked her out, and called the cop shop, and cps. Nothing ever came of it, sad to say. Just two damaged little boys.. Who when were around the town,I, loved in, would only be able to talk about get, while with their father her name never did nor does come up. I couldn't afford to move. I made the hardest choice in my life.. They had to stay with their father. It still hurts, and now my divorce is final, and i had the money to move.. So i did, i Had to be closer to my babies. Now I'm back in the small town i so desperately ran away from 2 years ago..fuck,my life. I hate 90% of the people here, its a small town, and people like to talk, cause drama, Anne get way to involved in other peoples lives.. I've been questioned about being on drugs, umm no its called stressed the fuck out and depressed as hell and feeling like the biggest failure in mothering.
Then there's love, something I'm obviously no good at. After being with my ex husband for 7 mother fucking years, i find out he's gay, and had always been. He loves our kids, but had never been attracted to me. There is someone I am interested in. I have such strong feelings for him its unreal.., but he's damaged. I know he likes me too, but of i get too close he pushes away. Its so hard. I constantly feel that I'm doing it wrong. I never know what to do around him. Ok, enough blubbering on like a baby about how bad my life is.. I stayed this yesterday. And had to work, it went awesome.. Had amazing tips, I need to remind myself, life may not be what I want.. But it will all be ok. I'm ok,I Im ok I'm ok..