how do I go about this? I suck at asserting myself especially when it comes to guys..
So, there's this guy.. Who I have liked for 2 years now.. When I left my exhusband, he and I kind of had a "thing". That ended because I started developing real feelings for him, and he was at a point where he didn't think he could handle a real relationship.. He pushed away.. And for a long time it was on again/off again. Then I moved.. Dated a few jerks in the process, and For some reason, he was always in the back of my mind. He always held a special piece of my heart. And as much as i wanted to sometimes.. I just Couldn't let it go.. I Couldn't let him out of my heart.. When i moved back here, i asked a friend for his number.(i am the queen of breaking phones). We started hanging out again.. A lot. I can tell he cares deeply about me, as much as he tries to hide it, i know.. and then, last night.. I was informed he's still "madly in love" with Me.. I don't feel the whole butterflies puppy dog love struck with him.. Its like its deeper.. But how do i go about this one? Im honestly scared shitless.. I cant handle loosing him again.. And ive talked to 2 of his friends.. Who are my friends as well.. They say Tell him! But im so scared to! Im afraid of what he might say.. How he might feel about me being so open as to tell him dude, nothing would make me happier in life then to be ur girl. Or.. Good gawd, the different ways ive thought to approach this.. One even including the whole "would u want to be more then just friends check yes or no" but that sounds so childish.. The last 2 Times ive hung out with him, the words (really just a jumbled up cluster) are right there.. But i cant get them out. I want to tell him.. So Badly.. But the big question is How do i tell him hes all i want..being with him.. Even when we are just watching tv.. Idk it feels, Right. This blows!!

my mind is a cluttered mess. where is my inner peace?
As I lay here trying to rest off a could be hang over (damn my friend who fed me a shot I didn't realize it was patron.. Damn tequila gets me and sneaks into my brain like you wouldn't believe.)
I'm realizing just how many things I have running rapant through my mine. Of course I am Thinking about my kids. I miss them so much, when you have to make a choice that where you are is not where they need to be, because you Fucked up and didn't listen to your intuition, you gave people who deserve death a chance. Why am I such an idiot? Why did I allow this to happen? People tell me not to blame myself, but every day I wake up, and they are not with me that pain, that complete realization that I should have listened to what was unseen, that unease I felt as my daughter went on that sleepover, how first year equinox was the only song I could play.. Over and over. Why didn't I listen to what I felt? Until it was to late, the damage that filthy disgusting animal did was there, he molested my daughter. I am proud, so extremely proud of her for so strongly allowing me to know what had happened and telling me. I could feel something was wrong, and she could feel i would protect her. The man is now in prison, and will never hurt another person another child, ever again. And then, there is the other person, she said she was wiccan, but really i feel she was pure evil, and she was my roommate. I know she had done something to hide/Glamour what was happening while she was watching my boys, and her son. While i was working. I finally got the wide open truth after taking my kids to the mountains, and asking of the universe to help me figure out What was going on, you see i kept feeling an unease, my clearly black dreams had become vivid dreams of death and destruction of my kids. As much as every time i would try to protect them Ann evil being would come in and slay them. I constantly felt evil beings were around me, and it didn't matter how much shielding I did, at one point, this evil bitch tried to tell me I was a developing empath, and couldn't handle it, i should be bound, she could try but never succeed, something within me would never let her take me, that say, in the mountains, i heard answers that changed my life.. Forever. How could she have done this? She tried forcing my sons to play with her son in sick and Twisted ways. She wouldnt participate so that she stayed innocent in her eyes, but she told them what to do. She had her son, molest my boys, her son was 2, and my boy 3, and 5. She let her son chase them with kitchen knives and say things like I'm going to kill you, she would tell my sons to run out into the road when cars were driving by. She created so much damage to their young minds. Once i found out everything, i kicked her out, and called the cop shop, and cps. Nothing ever came of it, sad to say. Just two damaged little boys.. Who when were around the town,I, loved in, would only be able to talk about get, while with their father her name never did nor does come up. I couldn't afford to move. I made the hardest choice in my life.. They had to stay with their father. It still hurts, and now my divorce is final, and i had the money to move.. So i did, i Had to be closer to my babies. Now I'm back in the small town i so desperately ran away from 2 years ago..fuck,my life. I hate 90% of the people here, its a small town, and people like to talk, cause drama, Anne get way to involved in other peoples lives.. I've been questioned about being on drugs, umm no its called stressed the fuck out and depressed as hell and feeling like the biggest failure in mothering.
Then there's love, something I'm obviously no good at. After being with my ex husband for 7 mother fucking years, i find out he's gay, and had always been. He loves our kids, but had never been attracted to me. There is someone I am interested in. I have such strong feelings for him its unreal.., but he's damaged. I know he likes me too, but of i get too close he pushes away. Its so hard. I constantly feel that I'm doing it wrong. I never know what to do around him. Ok, enough blubbering on like a baby about how bad my life is.. I stayed this yesterday. And had to work, it went awesome.. Had amazing tips, I need to remind myself, life may not be what I want.. But it will all be ok. I'm ok,I Im ok I'm ok..

any one else out there like me?
I know I'm not normal, I've always known I was a little different,but lately I'can understand Some of what's going on, but lately I've been really wondering what's going on with me. And i should add that i did not grow up in a house with witchcraft. I would have people that were ghost/spirits come over to my bed every night, and stand over me when I was a child starting from the time I was 3. I would always put my blanket over myself, because they gave me a bad vibe, and I would I feel as though I was protecting myself, with an invisible shield, this went on every night until i was 16. I would make sure to have myself covered up at all times. when i was about 7 i realized if i looked into people eyes, i felt like i could Really look past their eyes, and see who they really were e.i. Good/bad, happy/lonely/angry, idk that part is really hard to explain, but i can just Feel what kind of person someone is by looking into their eyes. But i never really trusted it until recently (i am 27 now) when i noticed it, felt it and ignored it. they turned out to be a very very bad people, exactly the kind of person i felt in their eyes. I feel energy from spirits a lot, both good and bad. And still see them occasionally.
When i was 19, i was getting ready to meet up with a friend when i heard a woman's voice tell me do not go or you will perish, i was at home with no background nose besides my sleeping 4 month old daughter. I listened, and that night on the news on the route i would have taken there was a horrible several car accident, no one survived-it happened at exactly the time I would have been in that area, had I gone.
When I was 22, I had a horrible nightmare that I was riding in a car with my brother and it suddenly was going end over end and side to side. I called my dad because it was so real, he said my brother was fine. 5 months later he was in a car accident end over end, side to side- no one knows how or why he survived, but to this day I feel like I was with him, and that i helped him some how, in my dream i was in the passenger seat, and the last thing i said before i woke up was that he didn't have to worry, i was going to protect him.
In the last 2 years, I have had so much unexplainable happenings. During certain times, I feel so tired that i would lay down, and immediately be asleep, but i know i don't rest, and i know I Was somewhere else, and i don't take the form of a human... I'm in the mountains, and I'm in the form of a wolf, and I'm not alone, there are several others. I feel crazy saying it, but i know I'm not just dreaming, i wake up completely exhausted, cold, and hungry Like i have astral projected possibly? But why the form of a grey/white wolf? And it takes me a few minutes to realize where i am. I have also had this happen, where i was a lady in the 1770's in England (idk how i know this for the time line, but I'm pretty positive), walking through a dirty market street, and someone, would come up to me and say "you are more then what you think my dear" i can't even remember now whether it was a man or woman. And then i would wake up, gaping for air. this happened when i was both 16 and 18. I'm thinking possible past life?
I have noticed i have to really watch my emotions, because if i get too angry or sad, i will go to touch anything, Even a wooden dresser, and it will shock me. I also had a light brighten and dim to the pitch of my voice one night, it was the dimmer kind, but it just followed my voice.. It was weird.
And here in the last 2 weeks I've had friends come to me with problems, and i can feel and hear what I'm supposing are their guardians/angels, helping me figure out what to say to them.
I don't dream very often either, or atleast I don't think I do, it all seems Black, until i wake up.
Until recently, i would escape to the mountains (and they are not the same ones that I've come to know as a wolf), and find peace.
I need some help to understand what has been going on with me, so i can have control over it. And be able to expand to be who i am supposed to be Without the what the heck is going on. Like i said, i know I'm not normal. And i really hope i don't sound like a nut job. I don't really have that many people i can talk to about this one.. I've tried, but it all comes out with me getting frustrated, i don't have any friends who share in my beliefs. It's also only been in the last 2 years that I have found my way back to my spirituality (my ex Husband thought it was demonic)


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